Everyday Formula

A Superb Owl, by Sylvia Alexander

Got myself banned from Reddit for three days for speculating that if Elon Musk attempted to do to Australia what he’s doing to the United States he’d be shot. This is apparently ‘threatening violence’ despite no mention of any person – let alone myself – actually carrying out the wholey theoretical shooting.

Anyway, the ban has expired and I have full access again, just in time for the site to be flooded with Superbowl and Valentines posts. I CARE NOT FOR YOUR SPORTS OR ROMANCE FESTIVALS, AMERICA! LEAVE ME ALONE!

I am now also startlingly poor after some embarrassingly unwise dipping into my savings account. As such I am organising a fire sale of various things I have been putting aside for years with the intention of selling them. I am also halting my program of generously bagging up my used cans and bottles and leaving them by the bins for the less fortunate – I’m less fortunate now, and will be reclaiming every cent I can as soon as I figure out how to haul them to a recycling centre. I’m also going to prune my library as there are many books in my collection that – while nice to have – I do not need to re-read or reference. Second hand books don’t sell for a lot, but the last time I counted I had well over 1,000 volumes knocking around the place, so that’s got to add up to a bit of pocket money.

I have made a vague new-years resolution to get all my Warhammer 40k tanks assembled and painted before buying any new ones. This is going quite well so far, although I am starting to run low on spray paint. Buying more may have to wait a while in line with my new austerity measures. I’m very happy with how my kitbashed Banewolf is looking – all going well I’ll shortly be able to show off all three Geneva-Convention violating variants of the Hellhound flame tank. Nothing like bathing the enemies of the Emperor in a high pressure shower of molten Uranium Hexafluoride – that’ll learn ’em!

Had a games day over the weekend with Chae, Liz, Paula, and Paula’s new beau Mark. Very enjoyable, although the heat was a bit oppressive. Liz managed to roll nine 6s in a row, which Google assures me is a 1 in 217,678,233,600 chance, which is rather impressive really. Prep for the games day also saw me break out my brand new knock-off Henry Hoover – it’s amazing how clean you can get your carpets when you have a vacuum that actually works.

To finish off, here is Henry Hoover predicting the pandemic…

Just A Few Notes

Had a very enjoyable Thanksgiving dinner at Chae and Liz’s place on Friday. While everything was extremely excellent, the pecan pie was an absolute standout and is now one of my favourite foods.

I happened to stumble over Into the Spiderverse – which I’ve been meaning to see it ever since it came out – on TV the other week. It’s great! Easily the best movie I’ve seen all year. Great animation, great script, (dare I say it) heart warming story and just a fantastically enjoyable production. I’m also kind of embarrassed to admit that there’s just something about the film’s version of Doc Ock (Dr Oliva Octavius) that I find wildly attractive. She’s evil and insane, but extremely hot, and I don’t know what to do with that.

Walking

The weather was nice yesterday and I needed some exercise so I decided to go for a walk.

My initial plan was to get the train to Success Hill and walk home along the river. Then I decided I didn’t have time for that, so I’d get the bus to Bindaring Park and walk along the river from there. Easy!

So that’s what I did – and staggered in half-dead three hours later having somehow not realised I was setting myself up for a trek of almost 9km.

Better than sitting around the house though I guess.

Thursday, Down at the Four Points

Presenter: Has anyone heard of dopamine? Yes? A few of you. Dopamine is the pleasure chemical, and the thing about SMS messages is that every time you get one it gives you a little hit of dopamine!

Me, autistic and flooded with cortisol at even the THOUGHT of getting an SMS: Ok…

Presenter: So here’s what happens when you fill out a restaurant reservation using our AI system *fills out form*

SMS: Hi Presenter! Thanks for your reservation! We’re looking forwards to seeing you at 6:00 on Thursday. While we talking, would you like us to have a drink waiting for you when you arrive?

Presenter: So you see, you instantly get a response, and that generates that vital hit of dopamine which immediately begins building engagement!

Me: I just want my booking confirmed…?

Presenter: *types* That sounds great. Can I get a glass of Chianti?

SMS: No problem! A glass of Chianti will be waiting for you. Or if you prefer we can reserve the entire bottle for only $12. Would you also like an appetiser? You can view our appetiser menu at *link*.

Presenter: So you see with every interaction you’re generating more dopamine and making a connection with the customer.

Me: This is a nightmare.

Presenter: *types* I’d like some oysters and a garlic bread. Also, one of my friends is gluten free, what do you have for them?

SMS: We’ll have some oysters and garlic bread ready when you arrive! Our menu has a selection of gluten free dishes, have a look at it here *link*. Or our chef can prepare something specially, like a selection of braised vegetables. How does that sound?

Presenter: Now our aim is to get at least seven interactions via SMS, because our research shows that when you get to seven interactions the customer is fully engaged with your product.

Me: If I got seven SMSs from a restaurant I would die. I would literally die.

Presenter: *types* That’s wonderful. Thank you very much!

SMS: No need for thanks, we just want to make sure we give you the best dining experience possible! Would you prefer to be seated indoors or in our al fresco section?

Me: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Sunday

I was in the mood for a quiet pub lunch yesterday. Unfortunately I’d forgotten it was Grand Final day. Suffice to say I did not get my quiet pub lunch.

Rather than try my luck today I switched on the TV around noon and stumbled over Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. I remembered this as being legendarily awful so naturally decided to watch.

I was actually pleasantly surprised. It’s an 80s superhero film so it’s cheesy as hell, but it was actually very entertaining. What I did notice though is that it went completely to hell in the last 20 minutes. Nuclear Man sees Mariel Hemingway on the front page of the Daily Planet, heads downtown, is confronted by Superman – who somehow seems to know why he’s there – kidnaps Mariel (who can apparently breathe in space?), has a fight with Superman, Superman wins, movie over. It’s like there were a bunch of scenes missing – although given the movie’s perilous budget they were probably never shot in the first place.

Also on the subject of questionable 80’s movies I found myself sitting at a bus stop on Friday evening thinking about how much better *Ghostbusters II* could have been. I’ll see about writing my ideas up later this week.

A Witness Statement

On Monday September 16th 2024 at approximately 5:20pm I was a passenger on a number 41 bus from Elizabeth Quay bus station to Bayswater railway station. I was seated on the right hand side of the bus, in the fifth seat from the back (which is my habitual seat). The bus was relatively full, but there were a number of seats vacant, and no one was sitting next to me.

From behind me I heard a male voice say “Give me your bag”. The voice was insistent, but the volume was low – I initially thought it was someone not wanting to be overheard while speaking into a phone. “Give me your bag” and/or “Give me your fucking bag” were repeated two or three times total, followed by “Give me your bag or I’ll punch you”, which made me realise that it was unlikely to be someone talking on a phone.

This was followed by the sounds of a brief scuffle, including a yelp in a female voice, and an individual in a camouflage pattern hoodie (Individual 1) passed my seat at speed, carrying a woman’s handbag. He was followed by a young man in a baseball cap (Individual 2). Both men reached the rear door of the bus, where they were confronted by several other passengers, at least one woman (not the bag’s owner) loudly demanding that they give the bag back.

I do not recall exactly when the bus stopped in relation to these events, but by this point it was stationary at the Lord St After Bulwer St stop. Individual 2 grabbed the window-smashing hammer from above the door, I believe in an attempt to operate the emergency exit release. By now I had risen to my feet and was taking photographs with my phone.

The rear door of the bus then opened and the two individuals fled, running northeast along Lord Street and turning left onto either Windsor or Lincoln Streets.

A young woman (who I believe to have been accompanying the owner of the bag) made an attempt to follow the two individuals, but was dissuaded by other passengers on the basis that she would be putting herself at risk of violence. There was a fair amount of discussion between the passengers, the driver and another Transport employee who was present having been riding in the front seat to the left of the driver. I informed this employee that I had a clear photograph of Individual 2, but he indicated that the camera at the front of the bus would have captured both of them.

It was around this point that individual 2 appeared back around the corner, carrying the bag. He approached the bus, holding the bag out, placed it on the curb about 30 metres from the bus, then fled back around the corner. A passenger retrieved the bag and bought it back to the bus, where the owner checked it an confirmed that nothing seemed to be missing.

I obtained the mobile number of the bag’s owner and SMSed her the one photograph that clearly captured the face of Individual 2. She and her friend then left the bus, and the driver continued on the route.

I took a total of four photographs, one of which clearly shows the face of Individual 2, and shows him (I believe) attempting to operate the emergency exit button on the door.

Land of Misery

Got a migraine late on Sunday night so emailed work to say I’d be late in the morning, took a big handful of pills, switched off my alarm and went to bed.

As a result I ended up on the 10:07 Fremantle train from Perth and was privileged to witness a most impressive performance by a young man slapping out a beat on his legs while loudly snarling out rhymes in a very credible metal voice.

“…GIVING HEAD! GIVING HEAD! WANKING OFF THE MIDNIGHT DEAD! EVIL! EVIL! LAND OF MISERY!…”

Let’s face it, that’s better than anything released by Metallica in decades!

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