Lovecraft World!

Many many years ago (well in 1996) I was studying computing at Central TAFE. It was a pretty good time in my life overall. Plenty of Austudy coming in from the Government, morning sleep-ins four days a week, and a course so easy I could do it with my eyes closed. As I found most of the course so incredibly easy, my mind was free to come up with all sorts of twisted and bizarre ideas, many of which I applied to my assignments.

The one I was most proud of was the assignment for Powerpoint. We had to create a presentation involving transitions, graphs, and a whole load of other such primitive effects that early versions of Powerpoint were just capable of. The great thing about it was that we were being marked on our technical skill – not the content. So, I decided to go all out πŸ™‚

My finished project was a promotional presentation for Lovecraft World the H.P.Lovecraft theme park!

This was a (very) tongue in cheek production complete with cheerily coloured bar graphs of customers killed, mutilated, driven insane and escaping unscathed over the last three years of operation (numbers that increased in all but the last category over each six monthly period I’m happy to report to all investors :). A happy looking pie graph showing the various derangements suffered by people surviving the Lovecraft World experience (thalassophobia, scotophobia, bathophobia, schizoid personality disorder, etc), and a full list of the very un-attractive attractions were included.

I got excellent marks for the finished product, and some rather odd looks from the staff (although one of the other presentations was entitled “The Dead are Happy” and was all about how wonderful it was to be dead, and how you should hurry up and die – so Lovecraft World seemed positively normal by comparison). I saved it to a floppy disc and put it away safely in case it would one day come in useful.

Of course, I have seen neither hide nor hair of it in years. It’s gloriously silly contents are now lost forever. Or so I thought…

However, on Sunday Ryan dropped by and brought with him a huge folder full of the various deranged correspondence I’ve sent him over the years. And, hidden away in the middle was a letter where I’d copied some of the details!

Not many details true, but enough to give some idea of what it was like. So here, for the first time in six years I am proud to present the few surviving fragments of Lovecraft World!

Guiding Philosophy
“Here at Lovecraft World we aim to give the visitor the ultimate in soul destroying experiences. Lovecraft saw the universe as a hostile, hopeless, unforgiving and ultimately incomprehensible place, we hope to re-create that dark philosophy for our customers.”
— Managing Director Jermyn Marsh 

Attractions include…

The Martense Maze

  • Squirm through crumbling, unlit earth tunnels while trying to avoid the claws of the hideous Martense clan!
  • Degenerate cannibal primates!
  • Cave-ins!
  • Very real risk of suffocation!

Pickman’s Gallery

  • Ride in our specially designed “Cthulhu Carts” through the daemonic world of artist R.U.Pickman.
  • Paintings from the pit of hell!
  • Ravenous necrophagic Ghouls!
  • Sedatives available on request.

The Playhouse

Daily performances of Massa di Requium per Shuggay and The King in Yellow (a trained nurse from the Arkham Asylum is present for all shows).

The Lake

  • Take a leisurely ride around the lake on our pleasure ships the Alert and the Sumatry Queen.
  • Crewed by real south sea Kanaka islanders.
  • Visit scenic Devil’s Reef and stop off at the Olde Worlde Insmouth Docks.
  • Random boardings by inbred pirates and batrachian amphibian men!
  • R’lyeh rises from the waves every evening at six.

Gilman House Hotel

Why not stay the night? The newly opened Gilman House Hotel offers all the home comforts, including working locks on almost all the doors. Ask for a room overlooking the square and watch the nightly pageant at the Esoteric Order of Dagon Hall. Stay in the “lucky room” and you might even be invited down to join in the festivities!


  • Slake your thirst with a Hali-shake and fries at Carcosaburger.
  • Enjoy the choicest cuts at the Beacon Hill Brassierie.
  • Or for that real New England flavour stop in for some victuals ye can’t raise nor buy at the rustic Miskatonic Valley Eatery!

There was much more of the same kind of thing. It’s probably just as well it hasn’t survived πŸ™‚

OK, I’m going to watch Smallville now. I was stupid enough to watch an episode a few weeks back and got hooked. Clarke should so be after Chloe, not Lana πŸ˜‰

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