Author: Purple Wyrm

Recently I’ve been indulging my geek side (well, my more geeky side I suppose, since I don’t really have a non-geek side) and getting back into some modeling work, specifically some conversions to Games Workshop’s Lord of the Rings range.

(warning, severe geekery ahead – in case you hadn’t figured that out already 🙂

For various reasons too legally tedious to mention Games Workshop can’t produce figures of characters from the Silmarillion, so if you want models from the first age of Middle Earth you’ve got to knock them up yourself from the existing range. I realised last week – while looking at all the models I’ve got sitting around from the Battle Games in Middle Earth magazine series that I’ve been buying – that with a few simple modifications Prince Imrahil of Dol Amroth would make a very nice Tuor of Gondolin. So I got to work with my Dremel, ground off all his swan imagery, swapped his sword for an axe from a Khazad Royal Guard and bingo! Instant Tuor!

This naturally got me thinking about other Gondolin themed conversions, and I quickly realised that I couldn’t really have Tuor without his father-in-law Turgon. A glance through my models convinced me that a very nice Turgon could be thrown together by chopping the head off Isildur, and sticking on a suitable Elf head. A search through the photos in the various rule books in my posession suggested that the mounted Elrohir would be a good choice. So off I went to the Games Workshop online store and put through an order for a brand new Isildur and Elrohir (I do actually intent to get my Isildur model painted up at some point, so chopping him to pieces wasn’t an option).

Side Note: OK, at this point some people may be thinking that Isildur isn’t suitable for an Elf conversion because he’s not armed with an Elven sword. Well I’m afraid I’m going to trump you with my obsessive knowledge of Tolkienana. Turgon’s sword was Glamdring – the very same sword used by Gandalf centuries later. And Glamdring – as depicted in the movies at least – ain’t no pseudo-samurai Elven sword. So there! *grin* Strictly speaking, I suppose, for a really accurate Turgon conversion you should clip Glamdring off a Gandalf model, but the only Gandalf model with Glamdring fully drawn is the Bridge of Khazad-dûm version which can’t be got for love nor money these days, so I’m going to pretend Isildur’s sword Narsil is Glamdring. Back to the narrative…

So, as I said, I sent my order off through the online store.

I get into work today (I used my work email address because I don’t like companies having my home one – paranoid? moi?) to discover an email from one Frank Taylor, Hobby Service Team Leader at Games Workshop’s Australian section, explaining that the Isildur model isn’t available any more and shouldn’t actually be on the website. The order had been sent – minus Isildur – and if I wanted to order another figure instead of Isildur they’d ship it free of charge.

I had another look at the site, and discovered that a blister pack of Isildur mounted and on foot was also listed. I emailed Frank back, asking if it was still available. He emailed back immediately confirming that they had some left. So, over the course of a few extremely prompt and informative emails I got him to put through an order for the blister pack instead, which he dispatched free of postage (after canceling the charge for the non-available Isildur model).

So, the moral of the story… Games Workshop Australia online store website maintenance – fairly crap. Games Workshop Australia online store customer service – beyond reproach 🙂

I’ve just wasted the better part of an hour trawling through this thread on the One Ring forums discussing horrible Tolkien art. While the thread itself is well worth a read, I thought I’d share some of the highlights (although frankly they’re lowlights – in some cases so low they’re actually turned off).

The Death of Boromir – The picture that started it all. It’s quite clearly someone’s attempt to do a renaissance pieta, with Boromir as Jesus and Aragorn as the Virgin Mary (I’d call it a badly thought out attempt, except that that should really go without saying). It’s absolutely hideous on almost every level – Boromir looks seriously deformed, Aragorn has the mumps (not to mention his own personal windstorm), Legolas is wearing a grey union suit, and the artist seems to have misunderstood the context of the word ‘Dwarf’ as Gimli is clearly a little person. Some of the comments suggest that this image was done as a joke, which then accidently got published. I’ll cling to that explanation because the alternative – that someone actually thought this was worth publishing – is just too frightening.

Gandalf and Aragorn find the Sapling of the White Tree – Now I don’t know about you, but if I was going mountain climbing I wouldn’t wear silk pajamas and pointy slippers, even if I had a bright purple bathrobe to go over them. And lets not even mention that ‘crown’, or that rather than a great and mighty king, Aragorn looks like a droopy moustached accountant.

Elrond before the Council – Maria Ezpeleta is undoubtedly a gifted artist, however she has a habit of making Elves look like the love children of Cher and David Bowie. On heroin. Doing gay porn. This image is a typical example, but what really catches my eye is Elrond’s pet. Where exactly in the Lord of the Rings does it mention that the Lord of Rivendel is fond of wire haired dachsunds?

Finarfin and the Infant Galadriel – Another from Maria Ezpeleta. I had no idea that the Noldor included zippers and Doc Martins amongst their inventions. Or that moose were common in Valinor.

Faramir and Eowyn – This is actually a really nice watercolour, apart from the fact that the subjects have quite clearly just had a major argument. Eowyn’s pouting and sulking, and Faramir’s just about to blurt out something like “You know it’s really hard to love you when you get like this!”

Elrond and Gandalf – In this picture Gandalf is actually rather good. Elrond for some reason however has rhubarb stalks instead of ears. And Bilbo… Frankly Bilbo had me in hysterics for about five minutes. He doesn’t look like a hobbit, he looks like some kind of miniature, hump-backed pig-man, who’s considering stabbing Gandalf in the thigh. <Kramer>It’s a Pig-Man Jerry! A Pig-Man!</Kramer>

OK, that’s it for now

 

On Sundays my Dad regularly goes hunting around swap-meets looking for just about anything of interest he can find but primarily old computer mag cover discs that might feature content for Microsoft Flight Simulator. A few weeks back we were speaking on the phone, and he mentioned that he’d found a music CD hidden away in a batch of CD-ROMs he’d bought. He’d offered it to my brother Andrew, who wasn’t interested but sugested it might be my kind of thing.

So I asked who it was by. “The Hitler Death Band” came the reply.

I was perplexed. Not least by the existence of a musical act named “The Hitler Death Band”, but also by the concept that my brother might think such an act was my kind of thing. Nonetheless I said I’d take a look at it, because, well, wouldn’t you, Just out of morbid curiosity if nothing else?

He dropped round and bought it over earlier this week. It turned out to be a copy of Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables by the Dead Kennedys.

I have no idea what it says about my Dad’s politics that he could confuse Kennedy and Hitler, and frankly I don’t want to know 🙂

A few relatively inane You Tube videos to pass the time until I’m up to making a decent entry…

Andrew Hanson’s Doctor Who Song – From The Chaser’s War on Everything a while back (for the record my favourite script editor is Douglas Adams)

The Kransky Sisters Sounds of Silence – From The Sideshow a while back (not to mention Esk in Queensland)

Steven Fry and Peter Cook on Who’s Line is it Anyway (UK Version) – But you, I fear, are not she.

Right. Now go make your own entertainment! 🙂

I can hereby confirm that the blue dye used in the particular flavour of twisties that “turn your tongue BLUE!” is fully capable of traversing the human digestive system and remaining intact.

More than enough said.

So it’s Monday, and on Monday I allow myself a bag of chips (or something similar) with my lunch, so that my life isn’t an unrelenting, bleak expanse of healthy, low GI eating. I head across the road and am about to grab my usual Red Rock Deli sea-salt crisps, when I notice a new twisties flavour has been released – “tangy cheese”. As a fan of anything tangy and cheese based I figure I’ll check it out.

Cut to half an hour or so later when I’ve eaten lunch and have headed to the bathroom. On washing my hands I notice that two fingers and the thumb of my left hand are an unpleasant shade of blue-green. I try to wash it off, with limited success. On returning to the office I pull the twisties packet out of the bin, and examine it. Blazoned across the front are the words “Turns your tongue BLUE!!”.

Great.

OK, it’s my fault for not checking the packet but I’m now heading into an important meeting with a client looking like a bob-tailed lizard. I’ll be endeavouring to keep my mouth shut for as much of it as possible.

(Very busy at the moment – hopefully I’ll be back to blogging more regularly and about more interesting things soon.)

While vaguely watching Numbers last night (by which I mean NCIS was over and the TV still happened to be on when I was getting ready for bed) I chanced to catch an add for the Channel 10 Late News. I was somewhat startled to hear Sandra Sully read the headline…

Well, frankly, if the South Pacific is brewing up weather systems with severe psychological problems, then I’m glad to be here in the west 🙂

(OK, it’s possible she said “cyclonic” storm and I mis-heard, but then I couldn’t base any witty banter on it could I? And then where would we be?)

OK, so the US Military is developing a robot to carry injured troops off the battlefield. No problem with that.

And they’re giving it a head ‘like a teddy bear’, so as not to scare the injured troops. Right. Well I guess that makes some kind of sense.

And they’ve given the contract to a company named Vecna Technologies.

VECNA TECHNOLOGIES!?!?

This is not going to end well….

The White Stripes’ Icky Thump is first and foremost a Jack White album. Ex-wife/sister Meg White features far less than on previous releases (apparently due to “the lumbago”) and performs on less than half of the tracks. This gives Jack White’s eccentric genius (some would claim blatant insanity) full reign, producing a ‘difficult’ album that may alienate some White Stripes fans. With repeated listening however the album grows on one, and will have many initially sceptical listeners dancing around the room like intoxicated Gibraltan macaques in short order.

The opening track is the by now familiar Icky Thump. The album version however has several differences to the promotional single – most notably the much celebrated stylophone has been replaced with digitally manipulated cow moos. Jack White has explained that this is because cows are black and white on the outside, and red on the inside – unlike a stylophone. There are several lyrical changes as well – ‘learnt to clean up after myself’ has become ‘learnt to clean up after an elf’, which is believed to refer to Jack’s well known hatred of the Lord of the Rings movies.

The second track is titled Clever Hans and concerns a ‘mathematical horse’ of the same name. Jack White continues his habit of calling upon obscure and obsolete instruments by having the baseline performed on a medieval woodwind instrument called a ‘serpent’. This gives the otherwise bright and cheery song an ominous edge quite in contrast to its subject matter. Bridge-Partner/Tennis-Coach Meg White provides ‘clip-clop’ noises on coconuts.

Track number three Overlord of the Wild Blue Sky is a thrilling tale of airship combat featuring a soaring guitar solo. According to the liner notes this was played on a solid aluminium guitar for ‘that authentic airship sound’. The song has been optioned by Paramount Pictures and a movie trilogy featuring its central character (Group Captain Icarus Adler) is expected to commence filming in 2008.

Track number four is a quickly forgettable series of grunts entitled Spice. Rumours that these are in fact samples taken from the digital audio tapes stolen from Sting during the making of the movie Dune in 1984 were quashed by White, who explained that there were in fact simply grunts.

The fifth track Fan Oven Dimensional Portal features the return of confidant/best-buddy Meg White on the drums. It is a much more traditional White Stripes song in the mould of 2001’s Hotel Yorba – in fact some fans claim the main melody is simply Hotel Yorba played backwards and shifted up a tone. Jack has responded angrily to such accusations, but has refused to flat out deny this. Playing the tune backwards does reveal an almost sub-audible repeated chant of ‘ghostly toad’ – what this may mean is anyone’s guess.

Track number six is titled House and has no lyrics apart from a counted intro by Jack. It is a pounding guitar and drum piece with some similarities to Led Zepplin’s Immigrant Song, Jack has indicated in the liner notes that this is intentional. In the same notes he suggests that it may be used as the theme music for the fourth season of television’s House MD, however this is widely regarded as a joke.

Sweetness-personified/Queen-of-this-world Meg White performs lyrical duties on track number seven, titled Aka’i. This appears to be something to do with a traditional Japanese folk-tale (or possibly manga comic) but it’s hard to tell as her tender vocal is quickly drowned out by demonic drum and trumpet solos and repeated screams of ‘bastard!’. Many would no doubt prefer to hear her sing, but such is the eccentric genius of Jack White.

Track number eight is the touching My Collar, sung from the viewpoint of an S&M enthusiast whose dominatrix has quit and taken over a fast food franchise. This song includes some of the wittiest lyrics on the album – comparing bondage equipment to various kitchen implements – although it may put you off hamburgers for quite some time.

The final track is listed as Bush, but is in fact quite clearly the Black Eyed Peas’ My Humps speeded up by 50%. Whether this is some kind of obscure political statement, or due to an unnoticed accident with the mixing deck is hard to determine.

Many excited rumours have been circulating concerning a hidden track – titled The Gardner – somewhere on the album featuring vocals by Jim Morrison. This can be located by playing 33 seconds into track number 3, then hitting the back index button 87 times. Unfortunately it turns out not to be a song, but a recording of Jack White yelling abuse at his gardner – a man sharing the name of the late Doors frontman – for a straight 18 minutes. Why Jack saw fit to include this on the album is hard to say, but it may have something to do with his upcoming court case against Hyperion Gardening Services of Nashville Tennesee.

Overall Icky Thump is well worth a listen and a good investment for that jar of pocket shrapnel you’ve been saving for a special occasion. Even if you don’t enjoy Jack White’s musical stylings it should (with sufficient amplification) be of use for repelling birds, rats and other vermin, which is well worth the cost in itself.

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I just spent a week struck down with an extremely nasty bowel condition that was almost certainly salmonella (I was meant to phone up for the test results yesterday but forgot). This meant a week off work, but I couldn’t actually do anything constructive with it because of constant hydrogen sulphide eructations (that’s eructations you illiterate sniggerers down the back, look it up!), vomiting reaching level 8 (or ‘Exorcist’) on the Stamford Emesis scale, and the need to rush to the bathroom every fifteen minutes day and night. I’m thankfully much recovered now and decided to celebrate by throwing together an entry in Triple J’s pre-review Icky Thump competition, which I have included above (a chance to write authorative sounding gibberish and win a stylophone? Wild horses couldn’t stop me! 🙂

It should be noted that everything in said review is utter nonsense and – despite appearances – I actually quite like the White Stripes. And let’s face it, Jack White should record a thrilling tale of airship combat sometime. After his acting turns in various movies (most notably Cold Mountain) he could probably play Icarus Adler in the movie adaption too! 🙂

Back to the office tomorrow to catch up on all the work I’ve missed. Sigh.