So, it’s 2:55 in the morning, and rather than being tucked up nice and warm in bed I’m sitting here huddled under my doona watching SBS. Why you ask? Because it’s Eurovision! And not only is Australia in the contest for the first (and let’s face it, probably last) time ever, we can vote for the first time ever! There’s no way I’d miss this!
I haven’t researched any of the acts and I missed the semi-finals, so I’m going in completely cold. The only song I’ve heard is Guy Sebastian’s one (you can’t get away from it) and while there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s certainly not any kind of stand-out. So, let’s see (or hear) what’s to be seen (or heard).
My standard rating system will apply. A score of 1 to 5 (or 0 to 5 for particularly heinous atrocities) with an extra point for anyone who doesn’t sell out their cultural heritage by singing in English. Here we go!
Good lord there are some weird ads on at 3:00am!
Ah Beethoven! That’s some class at least.
Good morning Julia! And that other guy.
Building bridges eh?
Oo! A mysterious object! I could be mean and insensitive here, but I won’t be.
Ah, a tribute to Udo Jürgens. That’s nice.
A drag queen rising out of the floor. Could you get any more Eurovision?
Miming hosts. Classy.
I was wrong. A flying drag queen is much more Eurovision than one simply rising out of the floor.
Ah. Singing children. I know they’re the Vienna Boy’s Choir, but anyone playing Eurovision bingo has just got a free square.
And a rapper. This just gets better and better!
It’s the Olympics!
Hehe! Big cheer for Australia 🙂
Is that Celine Dion for Greece?
You know, it’s naff as hell, but occasionally Eurovision does provide a little bit of that everyone getting together and celebrating their countries in peace and brotherhood feel that it was actually founded for.
Seems to be some heckling. Or possibly some geese have snuck into the hall?
1 Slovenia: Maraaya – Here For You
It’s headphones ago-ago from Slovenia! Oh wow, she’s nasal isn’t she? And someone in the background is attempting to channel Peter Garret. Seems like an OK song, but nothing to really write home about. Ah, the dancer is now doing nothing but air violin. Flashy lights! No wonder the dancer was having a seizure. A decent effort. 3/5
2 France: Lisa Angell – N’oubliez Pas
Ah France! You can always rely on France to sing in le français rather than selling out and going with English. A ruined post-war scene. That’s cheerful. Looks like we’re getting the standard political stuff early. Oo! Doves! Shoot them for food children! Hmmm, this ain’t bad really. International Rescue on drums! That’s a neat way to get around the restriction on performer numbers. Three out of five, plus one for singing in French. 4/5
3 Israel: Nadav Guedj – Golden Boy
It’s N*Sync! Extra points for some Middle Eastern grooves. Minus points for “Before I leave let me show you Tel Aviv”, and gratuitous crotch thrusting. Key change! OK, I guess. 2.5/5
4 Estonia: Elina Born & Stig Rästa – Goodbye To Yesterday
I will happily support any act that contains someone named “Stig”. An instrument?! Played by a singer?! In Eurovision?! Oo, off key! Fake shadows! Inoffensive. 2.5/5
5 United Kingdom: Electro Velvet – Still In Love With You
The UK has a terrible habit of trying way too hard to win Eurovision, and then tripping over their own feet. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from the horror that was Scooch. Let’s see if they can do any better this time around… Hmmm, going retro I see. Light up suits! And break dancing! And scat! I don’t think her voice is really carrying it. Actually not a bad effort given past attempts. 2.5 plus 1 for singing in English. 3.5/5
6 Armenia: Genealogy – Face The Shadow
Genealogy eh? If there’s not a genetic inheritance diagram somewhere in this performance, I shall be deeply disappointed. Operatic! With people wandering around moodily. Apparently one of them is Australian. Ah, there we go, kicking in a bit. Hmmm, a bit too complex really. Would probably be decent if there were less singers. Continents do not count as inheritance diagrams! 2.5/5
7 Lithuania: Monika Linkytė and Vaidas Baumila – This Time
Now this seems to have some potential. And some banjo. Oo! Controversial kissing! You know, if the music was mixed better I think this could be a pretty good song. Best so far! 4/5
8 Serbia: Bojana Stamenov – Beauty Never Lies
“Beauty Never Lies”. Channeling Keats are we? To quote the great Terry Wogan, she’s a well set up lump of a girl. Spooky masks! And posing! This isn’t half bad. Costume change! Mark off your bingo cards! Hipster! They’ve got a hipster! Not bad! 3.5/5
9 Norway: Mørland & Debrah Scarlett – A Monster Like Me
Monster eh? Maybe it’s a Lordi rip off! Hmmm, maybe not. Maybe Lorde though. Very moody. Ah, there’s the drums! Certainly the best duet so far. 4/5
10 Sweden: Måns Zelmerlöw – Heroes
It would be nice if this was the Bowie song, but Eurovision rules prevent it. Stick people! Clever effects! Here comes the drop… hmmm, a bit repetitive. Could use a bit more base. Ah! Big scary face! Pretty good 4/5
11 Cyprus: John Karayiannis – One Thing I Should Have Done
It’s Elvis Costello! For a ballad this is surprisingly good. I wonder if it’ll kick in? Apparently not – brave decision! Reminds me of that song by that band from years ago. What was it? More than Words, that’s it! Simple, but really good! 4.5/5
12 Australia: Guy Sebastian – Tonight Again
Well here we go! Hooray, hooray, Aussie Aussie Aussie and so forth. Let’s hope Guy doesn’t embarrass us. You know, say what you like about Guy Sebastian, but he has a hell of a voice. Another hipster! And street lamps, for some reason. This is actually a pretty good track, it has a good beat, and the build up to the chorus is particularly clever. Maybe we have a chance? 4.5/5
13 Belgium: Loïc Nottet – Rhythm Inside
Plucky little Belgium. Performers all in white, tick off another bingo square! Not bad so far. What is with that dancing? Sparse, but catchy. I like it! 4/5
14 Austria: The Makemakes – I Am Yours
I presume this group have named themselves after the dwarf planet, rather than the chief god of the bird man cult of Rapa Nui. Although in Eurovision land, who knows? Actual instruments! This is pretty good. Ah! FIRE!! FIRE!! Your piano is on fire!! What are you doing!? Don’t keep playing man! RUN!! 4.5/5
All these good tracks! I may have to recalibrate my rating system…
15 Greece: Maria Elena Kyriakou – One Last Breath
Greece has a history of rather bland entries that nonetheless do rather well. Lets’ see. Is that a Stargate? Is that Celine Dion? Ah, the reliable old piano ballad. Evanescence light. I said it’d be bland didn’t I? The Stargate opens and there’s a key change! Ended better than it started, but still pretty meh. 3/5
16 Montenegro: Knez – Adio
Finally! A non-English song that isn’t from France! Extra points for the Montenegrans! Stars and violins. Nice beat. Frozen dancers. Now this is what Eurovision should be about! Ethnic influenced music and completely incomprehensible lyrics! Moody and dark. I like it! Folk dancing! 4.5/5
17 Germany: Ann Sophie – Black Smoke
Germany is usually good value. Searchlights? This is well sung, but kind of bland. 3/5
18 Poland: Monika Kuszyńska – In The Name Of Love
Sadly not a U2 cover. A white piano! Keep ticking off those boxes bingo fans! I wonder if it’ll catch on fire? A bit bland. Is that archive footage from before her accident? I can’t decide if that’s inspiring, morbid or simply exploitative. Nothing special here I’m afraid. 3/5
19 Latvia: Aminata – Love Injected
Do they have potato? A giant red, structural dress. OK. Woah, that’s one hell of a voice! Now, this is also what Eurovision is about – incomprehensible weirdness and hand dancing. 4/5
20 Romania: Voltaj – De La Capat/All Over Again
Nice try Romania, but if you want bonus points from me, you need to sing the whole damn thing in your native tongue! Although you do score a few points for having Ming the Merciless as your lead singer. This isn’t bad. Reminds me of U2 a bit. Nice. 4.5/5
21 Spain: Edurne – Amanecer
Fully non-English. Huzzah! You know, there’s not enough wizard robes in Eurovision this year. I notice hers is red, marking her as neutral, although she needs more fake tan to cosplay as Raistlin. Oo! Costume change! You know, I quite enjoyed that! 4.5/5
22 Hungary: Boggie – Wars For Nothing
It’s a tradition in Eurovision for someone to sing a song about how horrible war is, and how we should all just get along. It will probably be in poorly phrased English too. Oo! A gun tree! Hmmm, pretty much what you’d expect. Good message, dull song. 2.5/5
23 Georgia: Nina Sublatti – Warrior
Well, at least someone is channeling Lordi. Lightning and shoulder pads! So much smoke you can hardly see her! Hilarious! I never thought I’d say this, but she could do with some backup dancers or something. Just standing there in the middle of the stage is kind of boring. Giant eyes! Interesting attempt, but not ultimately successful. 3.5/5
24 Azerbaijan: Elnur Huseynov – Hour Of The Wolf
By this point in the contest we’re all looking at the clock, and hoping that something will happen to cancel the remaining acts so we can get the voting over and done with. Having them eaten by wolves would be something of a mercy. Ah, now this is more like Eurovision! Guy sings ballad while couple in weird costumes cavort about the stage. Nothing special, but nothing terrible. 3/5
25 Russia: Polina Gagarina – A Million Voices
After last year’s boo-ing it’s probably only to be expected that Russia would try for something positive and uniting. Of course it’s just as likely that the million voices are those of pro-Putin trolls on the FSB payroll. Here in the background we see the black hole of Russia, sucking in human rights and democracy! Good song though! 4/5
26 Albania: Elhaida Dani – I’m Alive
This late in the show it’s amazing that anyone’s alive. Hmmm, this is OK, but nothing stunning. 3/5
27 Italy: Il Volo – Grande Amore
And finally, plucky little Italy brings it home with the fourth of the night’s non-English songs (I’m still counting you out Romania!). Winners of the San Remo song contest. Ah, they seem to be one of those pop-opera groups I find so annoying. Horses! Why have actual smoke on stage when you can put in on the screen? Competent, but nothing really special. 3.5/5
So that’s that then! Now, who am I going to vote for…
OK, after much thought I’ve decided that I enjoyed Romania the most, even though they didn’t stick to Romanian. I could cheat and vote multiple times, but I won’t. Eurovision voting is a sacred trust!
So, that’s the songs done with! Now we get the traditionally naff performance that takes up the voting period. What will it be this year? Dancers? Views of the Alps? Singing frogs? (I’m looking at you Greece!). Ah, it’s drums! They’re pretty good.
Bridges! They’re bridges! Amazing!
That guy with the sledgehammer looks like a happy chappy.
Is that the theme from Dallas?
And Conchita returns while they tally the votes.
OK, let’s do this! It would be nice if Australia won – the novelty factor combined with our political neutrality and a pretty decent song give us a chance – but I’m not holding my breath. Russia could well romp it in.
Arrgh! I don’t know how much longer I can stay awake!
Well, Italy’s doing well.
Suzy! Get your act together!
Looks like a three horse race between Italy, Russian and Sweden.
Get on with it Azerbaijan!
We seem to be getting votes from most countries. Good!
Estonia! You’re letting the side down!
Eight points! Thank you Denmark! I wonder how many of those came from the royal palace?
And another eight from Switzerland! Was that you Matt? ;D
Woohoo! Twelve from Sweden! Thank you! 😀
Ah, it’s Lee Lin Chin.
Twelve from Austria! I wonder if some Austrians got confused? 🙂
Thanks Hungary! Eight points!
Thanks Nigella! Ten points from the UK!
Get it together Georgia!
Eight points from the Netherlands! Thanks!
And another Eight from Poland! Thank you!
Looks like it’s going to be between Sweden and Russia.
San Marino gets a vote? Cool! And they gave the UK some much needed points. And another eight for us, thanks!
Sweden probably has it, but Russia is still in it with a chance!
Thanks Iceland! Eight points.
Well there we are! Sweden! What did they sing again? Oh, the stick figures and the big scary face! Well done!
Ten points from Norway! Thank you!
And there we go! Sweden wins, Australia comes fifth. I’m happy with that! And now I’m going back to bed! Goodnight all! 🙂