The Mystery Church of Garratt Road

As I am sure has escaped no one’s notice I am a bit of a nerd. A lot of a nerd to be honest. And given that two of the way ways said nerdery manifests are as a love of maps and a love of history, it should surprise no one that I know a bit more about both the geography and history of my suburb than the average punter staggering out of the Bayswater station Cellarbrations of a Friday night. As such I was quite intrigued of late to stumble over a strange and tantalising local history mystery…

In the run up to Christmas developed a most lamentable and lazy habit of getting the bus home from work rather than getting some exercise in by catching the train and walking from the station. There are several buses that I can catch, the 48 and 55 for instance will drop me right outside my door. The 950 will get me to Morley where I can swap to a 48 or 998, or I could even get the 998 directly from work if I’m happy to spend an extra hour looping around the far side of Herdsmans Lake. If I was feeling particularly insane I could even get the 999 and spend three hours taking in Fremantle and the desolate land of wind and ghosts (AKA south of the river) before returning home. But the bus relevant to this particular mystery is the 41.

The 41 bus behaves like a decent, ordinary 48 or 55 for most of its route before recklessly and without warning veering off into the wild lands between Guildford Road and the river at Maylands. It wanders back and forth through the tangle of suburban streets, emerges briefly back into the light of day at Garratt Road, then plunges back into the wilderness before finally coming to rest only a few blocks from my domicile. If the weather is behaving it’s quite a pleasant walk, taking in both historic Halliday House and the day care centre constructed on top of a PCB dump (if the crazed photocopy stuck up on the IGA noticeboard a few years back is to be believed).

It was at the turn off from Garratt Road a few weeks back that the mystery began. Looking up from my novel I spotted something extremely curious in the distance. It looked for all the world like a church!

Now, I know the local churches. There’s the Catholics at the top of the hill, the Romanian Baptists at the bottom of the hill, the Anglicans halfway down the hill on the other side, the – well I don’t know what it was originally but nowdays it’s the Sikh Gurudwara just a block along from the Anglicans, the Russian Orthodox by the railway line, the Buddhists near the McDonalds, the Ukrainian Orthodox just near the Buddhists and even the Happy Clappys up at the old council offices. But an ecclesiastical building between Guildford Road and the river?!  I’d never heard of such a thing!

So, it was time for research! By which I mean jumping onto Google Earth and zooming around the area looking for a suitably religious looking rooftop. It was hard going. I thought I had it briefly but it turned out my sense of scale was off and I was looking at someone’s garage. A good ten minutes of scrolling and jumping in and out of street view left me baffled. Where was this mystery church? Was it a mirage? Was it a hallucination? Was it an illusion created by Ozzy Osbourne? (He does that more than you’d think). I just could not find it!

So I went back to first principals. I dropped back into street view at the Garratt Road turn off and sighted along the line I remembered for the mysterious building. Then I jumped back into satellite view and traced the line forwards…

And it turned out I’d done goofed up.

I had assumed – as I so often do with street grids – that the street grid around Garratt Road was regular. It is not. The street I sited the punitive church down was not parallel to Guildford Road, but was angled to converge at it. To converge in fact dead on the Romanian Baptists. The mystery church that puzzled me so much was an already known church seen from an unexpected angle. Boy was my face red!

So, what is the moral of this lurid tale? I’m not sure there is one. I’m sure I could spin something together about being prepared for unexpected viewpoints and the destination being the starting point, but I’m a web developer, not a self help guru. Just take this as another pointless interlude in my pointless, carefree life.

Hottest 100 Votes 2018

Blah blah, that time of year again, blah blah Triple J Hottest 100, blah blah too depressed to write anything approaching decent commentary, blah blah enjoy my questionable musical tastes ya filthy animals…

Hatchie – Sugar & Spice
1950s infused Shoegaze

Amy Shark – I Said Hi

Superorganism – Everybody Wants To Be Famous
Well, that’s certainly a Superorganism video…

YUNGBLUD – Polygraph Eyes

Grimes featuring HANA – We Appreciate Power
A hymn to that thing we’re not supposed to talk about…

Alex The Astronaut – Waste Of Time
Probably my favourite song of the year

Bec Sandridge – Animal

King Princess – Fell In Love With A Girl (Triple J Like A Version 2018)

The Beths – You Wouldn’t Like Me

Golden Features – Runner

Walk with Haste if you Choose to Stay…

Some time back my good friend Ryan introduced me to Hero Forge – a quite brilliant website that allows you to design customised gaming figurines and then have them 3D printed. I’ve been playing around with it and on a whim decided to try and make figures from the Third Wheel’s equally brilliant web series Thrilling Intent.

I present the results – of varying quality – below.

Markus VelafiFirst up I present our favourite Tiefling Sorcelock – the man who’s made of lies and smiles – Markus Velafi.

Not Markus VelafiThis of course is not Markus Velafi. This is merely an innocent bystander. Markus Velafi? Never heard of him.

Horatio ProtagonisteOf course big man on campus Horatio Protagoniste requires no introduction!

gregor2My second attempt at good guy with a glaive, Gregor Hartway. I’m pretty happy with this version.

AsheMy final take on Ashe. Now with bracers!

InienInien of course, who is better than you. Her costume is a bit off (although suitably stylish if not entirely overwrought), but the attitude is dead on.

kier2Version two of Human Number One (out of a sample size of one), Kier Fiore.

ThogThog, lead pipe in hand, ready to defend his money from the Tax Goat. I’m actually pretty happy with him, all he needs is a waistcoat (vest to you Americans).

Don'tDon’t! Baking pan in hand to make you some delicious pastry (or sacrifice you to her Queen…)

RatOur favourite giggling purveyor of EXTREMELY CURSED items, Rat!

Hronk!And here’s one of his awful babies. HRROOONNNK!!

HarlockAnd last but definitely not least Chellisandre Harleaux – AKA Harlock. I’m very happy with this depiction.

I’m probably not done with this. Colvin is likely coming up, and how can I resist Vern with his skeleton legs? But that’s it for today at least…

LATER…

verneI said I wouldn’t be able to resist making Verne. Here he is, shooting skeletons out of his sleeves and showing off his bony legs (he is a semi-litch after all!).

colvinA not terribly accurate version of Colvin. It’s frankly amazing that I was able to cover up his eye!

kylilA rather dramatic version of Kylil, complete with a lantern.

ballastHey Guuuuuuuuuurl! It’s Ballast McGee!

zalvettaAnd finally the abomination that is Zalvetta (I think that’s what the spirit folk called him, isn’t it?)

Right, I am done now.

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